Protective Steps to Take When In an Abusive Situation

There are many things you can do to protect yourself when in an abusive situation. First, and foremost, you must be prepared to leave your relationship. These are only temporary survival tactics. In no particular order here is the list:

1) Anytime you look up info on crisis shelters, emergency numbers, therapists, lawyers etc. be sure to cover your tracks. Do not tell your abusive partner where you are going and be sure to delete all "history" and "cookies" in your web browser. Your abuser is all about controlling you!

2) Hide emergency money! Tape money to the top of desk drawer, in the freezer, behind the dresser, wherever your think your abuser might not think of.

3) Money is a big control issue! Make sure you have your own personal savings/checking account. If you have a joint account, do not put any more money into that account! Try to cancel joint credit cards - this can be difficult because the companies may need you and your partner to consent the action.

4) Come up with a secret code with friends you trust. If your abuser is around and you feel intimidated, call one of you friends and state something like, "Can I borrow some brown sugar?" Your friend will know that's a secret code for "come keep me company", "pick me up," or "call the police."

5) Eventually you will get divorced or separated and there could be a possibility that your case can not be settled out of court. You need to be prepared that your case could go to trial. Here are some tips: get a good lawyer, make you sure have eye witnesses with you and around your abuser, carry around a tape recorder, if you have a camcorder use that as well, check out the ethics of using spyware programs with your lawyer, and write a journal, you would be surprised how that can help turn a case around!

6) I am strongly against the victim to participate in marriage counseling or joint counseling with the abuser. It has been researched and proven that this approach does not work and it will make the situation worse. I do recommend the victim getting separate counseling, just not with his/her abuser.

Remember lawyers are very apathetic people, so if you show up as though you lost your case or come equipped with a "whatever" attitude, they certainly won't try their hardest to represent you. If you come in with a strong attitude, you can get your lawyer fired up ready to represent you. This is very important! You should definitely consider going to a therapist to help grow back your self worth and self-esteem before and after going to court. The process can be very draining!

Artwork by JMV Illustrations